Stop normalizing bullying.

I used to get bullied by the most popular girl in my high school.

We used to be best friends.

Until the boy, she liked, told me that he liked me.

I always chose friendship, over a boy. Cause I did not really give a shit about high school romance.

It happened to me a couple years back before that. When I said yes to be a girlfriend of my close friend in junior high school. He wasn’t too popular but he was handsome. But I honestly never saw him more than just as a friend.  Trust me, back then I did not know what girlfriend means. After that day I remembered one girl came to my class and told me that I was cruel because I dated the guy she liked. My reaction at that time was “Oh right you like him, I’m sorry I forgot”. Cause I honestly forgot she told me that she liked him.

Then I came to ‘my boyfriend’ and told him, that I can’t be his girlfriend anymore because someone likes him more than I do. I remembered how upset he got and said that I was talking nonsense. And I didn’t understand why. I thought I was doing the right thing, why he mad at me. But turned out it was hurting for him. It was a big rejection cause he thought i had the same feeling, but I didn’t. But we maintain our friendship back then.

But what can I say, I was too young and too naive to start a romantic relationship anyway. I couldn’t be more careless about that. All I cared about as a young girl was Harry Potter and comic books. I honestly love being a nerd. Why should I spent time with a boy building a relationship that I won’t care about when I could just bury myself under my books, memorizing Harry Potter spells.

And it happened to me again in high school. But this time I had to face my best friend aka the most popular girl in school that had everything I had to live without. Wealthy loving parents with big houses (yes plural), pretty face with a shiny long hair and a pretty hairpin, beautiful pink room with a lot of giant dolls, fame in school cause she used to be the Chairman of the student council, seniors that adored her, girlfriends that followed her everywhere. Dreamgirl that everyone couldn’t help but fall in love with her. I loved her as well as my best friend.

I remebered we used to come to her house every day to play around and eat and talk in her second floor of her house that only belonged to us cause her parents lived in another town. She just lived in that big house with her maids and her little sister.

One day, the boy she liked, asked me to be his girlfriend. Everybody knew how much she liked him. He knew about that too. And I knew. And my best friend and him would make a more perfect couple than if it was me and him. They both knew what it’s like to have everything in life. I didn’t I never do.

There was no single reason for me to say yes to him. So clearly I said no. Cause it was just wrong for so many reasons. And what would people think about me anyway?

Did I like him? Honestly, I did, but just as a friend.

I had a boyfriend as well at that time, he didn’t live in my town, so we had a long-distance relationship that made us see each other once in three monts. But honestly, this relationship made me feel safe.  I thought by having this relationship I could have just lived peacefully, without damaging any friendship that I had with the boy in my school and the most popular girl who liked him right?

But NO, NO, NO. The world doesn’t just work out that way.

Saying no to him, was never enough for her. The fact that he chose me over her was enough to make me looks like a thief. And that fact made everyone around us became awkward. Oh dear God, what did you do to her? Why you did this to her? Why he likes you instead of her??

Me: Why? Because guys should always fall for her and everything she has, instead of me? Because she’s prettier than me? Because I don’t deserve him the way she does?

If i were as conscious as I am now i would be yelling back at them.

“Trust me, I would let you know if I knew the answer to all your questions. And why oh why you guys keep asking me? ASK HIM. It’s his feelings, not mine. Leave me alone”

But I was just this innocent girl who believed every single thing people said about me. All the labels they put on me.

This fact then turned this pretty little girl became a jealous kid. This girl who got so used to getting everything she wants could not get one thing, one thing she wanted the most that time. And her innocent friend who fuc*ing clueless about what happened in this situation suddenly became her target of anger. As if I (the decent nerd girl who didn’t even have shiny shoes) dared to steal the most expensive barbie she had.

This girl forgot one thing. He was never hers in the first place. I never take anything from her.

I tried to understand the situation. I tried to make the best decision for everyone’s sake but it wasn’t enough and I didn’t know what else I could do to make her feels better. Forcing him to choose her over me? Seriously tell me how!

No, rather than telling me how upset she was. And understand that it wasn’t even my fault that he liked me. Or that learn how to live with the fact that he doesn’t want her and that’s oke cause sometimes in life there’s thing you have to live without and that’s oke. But no. She didn’t get used to that fact.

She was angry with me but she played nicely. Slowly but sure I began to be excluded from her circle. I did not get any more invitation to play with the girls. And they started to stop talking to me like I had a virus or something. And I started to get this weird stare from them as if I was a thief. I remembered she gave everyone a keychain in front of me, as a symbol of the new group she built. I didn’t get one of course. And I was her best friend, and it was super clear what the message was, not only for me, but for everyone.

I know, that thinking about it now, it’s super silly. But it crashed me into the hard wall the fact that it was a bully.

I did have a lot of friends. But she was one of the oldest ones.  And how could I lose her over a new boy that i did not even like?

And what did I do to deserve this kind of treatment? Like I didn’t belong there. And I should be ashamed with myself.

I began questioning my worth. Why no one wants to play with me? Why all the girls left me? Am I bad? Am I an evil? Do I deserve this? I was so fucking frustrated and sad and lonely beating myself up with all the negative thoughts she put on me.

Not long after that, i began to make friends again. But this time only boys. On Saturday night I remembered there were a lot of boys on my porch eating my mom’s cake. I remembered my annoying neighbour was asking my mom why I only had boyfriends.

That time, after what happened to me, I felt like it was easier to be friends with the boys. Less drama. And by being their friends I won’t accidentally take anyone’s crush again and I won’t lose any more friends. He was one of the boys that were friend with me. And our relationship was easy.

That was the reason why I had more boyfriends than girlfriends. Not that I chose the boys, but it was because all the girls been taken away from me.

I did not aware that it was bullying. Emotional abuse from my friend towards me. But if i said so people would just told me.

“Ah you’re too much, it was high school, it’s normal”

“Don’t be a drama queen about it”

Is it? Really? Then why up until now I’m still afraid to talk to all my girlfriends that she separated them away from me. Why all of the negative thoughts come into my mind about what did she said about me back then so I couldn’t be accepted in their group. And why I was running around avoiding them as well after that cause I was afraid they believed that i was this evil taken the love of my friend’s life from her.

Was I starting to believe about any negative judgments she said about me? Was I starting to believe that I wasn’t worthy to keep? That I was evil? And why we still never talk even tho she already got married and has a kid with sombody else. And that she is finally happy. Why there still a huge distance between us if it was just a ‘high school drama’?

***

He had a short relationship with her cause he thought i was getting back with my ex. While he didn’t actually love her that time. Cause he was still into me. I was blamed about this too. The end of their relationship was suggested by everyone becuase of me. Cause he was still loving me. Oh God. Really? Me again?

I heard the girls was talking trash about me. They checking on my social media. And tried to prove that i was stealing him, again. What? Seriously.

I was so mad but also so afraid back then. I didn’t say anything to defend my self. Or told them that it wasn’t true. That we were just friend like anybody else. But who would believe me back then?

The girls hated me more than ever, they became further and further away. Only few people stayed in my life. Cause they were mature enough to think that this bully towards me just had to stop.

***

I remembered the lonely first year of college. Thinking bad about myself. The fears to contact my friends. Because I didn’t know what they heard or if they talked trash about me or not. I was isolated my self from my past circle of friends. Cause i was so afraid of being push further and further away again. I had only a few people stayed. And it was lonely.

In college, I ended up being more than a friend with the boy she liked. Cause I had no one, except him and his boyfriends. When things got rough with my parents he was there as well. And he was still there years after i rejected him for the sake of everyone. And saw him still fight for me after all those years made me see that it wasn’t a temporary feeling he had towards me. Not just a high school romance he wanted to have because everyone had it. And my feelings was growing through those years. So why should I reject him now? I had no one and nothing to lose anymore anyway.

Why should I bother with the thought of her now? It’s been years already, and he still liked me. I couldn’t force someone to have feelings for someone else. I did not ask him to like me.  I did my best not to fall in love with him, but she was the one who made me had no other choice. She was the one who put me on this lonely road with him. And we fell in love in that road she built around us.

But even after years I was still thinking that it wasn’t right. Falling in love with him with this huge history ‘that my own best friend hate me because of his feelings towards me’ was a sin. So we hide our relationship from our friends and from the world that we were crazy about each other. Cause at this point of life I believed that having a boyfriend means hurting your best friend. I learned the hard way that I should not love freely or loudly. We only share it with our close friends which were okay but still hard as hell.

I remembered i should not get angry when she came to his town, asking him to drive her around the town. Because she didn’t know that we were together. No one knew. So he should act like a single guy, and I should act like it was okay that they’re being together for the whole day while i was alone in my room feeling numb. And I shouldn’t be jealous cause he should have been with her in the first place. And i didn’t have all of these rights to protest.

But it was actually hurting me. And to pretend that it wasn’t, was the worst part. To acted like I didn’t mind, was painful. To be shut my self up about this was cruel. I was afraid to speak up, cause I thought i deserved this. I thought I was the one that took him from her long time ago, and now I deserved this. And I too deserved losing all my girlfriends. Because he loved me. And by he loved me, means it was a bad thing, and it was my fault that she got hurt by his feelings towards me. So I deserved this punishment.

So I just sat there in the darkroom. Telling myself that I deserved all of the shits that I felt that day. Cause I didn’t deserve him in the first place.

If it was just a high school drama then after years and years I still beat my self up with the thought that I steal someone from my best friend which I didn’t. Why I still believed that I didn’t deserve to be loved by him or by anyone.

Right now as I began to think clearly I realized that it wasn’t just a high school drama. It was emotional abuse from an 18 y.o girl. She might be happy now with her husband building a real nice family. But I’m still recovering from the trauma she gave me back then. I still believed that I’m the bad girl, I still believe that I’m not worthy of love or friendship with those girlfriends she convinced not to be around me. I still believe that it’s normal that girls doesn’t want to befriend with me cause I might steal their man. But the fact is I never did that. Not once, and even to her.

Anyway, I wish all the good things for her, I do. May she has a wonderful family and life ahead. But I just want to say, that bullying in any kind is disgusting, you could be mad over one fact that made you crazy. But you should not consume youself with that. Cause that doesn’t give you the right to bully anyone. And you never know what kind of trauma you can put to someone you bully. And how long it takes for them to recover from it, and how many layers of self-esteem you could be destroyed from oneself, and that they might forgive you but you might never know if they could ever forgive themself for letting people beat them up like that.

Think again people, before you bully and destroyed someone’s life completely.

And never just walk away from it and easily telling them that it’s just a high school thing and it’s nothing and that’s normal.

No one should normalize bullying. In any kind.

No one.

 

#P.S: He and I now are a very good friend, no feelings attached at all. And we both never deny the fact that we were crazy about each other years and years back then. And now we’re just friend which for me is so much better than before. But we just realized that it was bullied back then what she did to me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Published by Angky Ridayana

A sun seeker and a story teller.

6 thoughts on “Stop normalizing bullying.

  1. Very beautiful and powerful post! And you’re so right, no one should normalize bullying but they still do. I can attest to this because I was bullied for six long years during school. And in those days, bullying was considered just a normal part of growing up so I had no choice but to go it alone. And so many schools either try to normalize it, trivialize it or sweep it under the rug.

    I want you to know that none of it was your fault and that no matter how badly they treated you, you still have value and you matter. Know that you are enough. Wishing you much peace and happiness!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Hey gorgeous! Same thing happened to me.. like the exact same. Pretty girl was my friend, her boyfriend like me and everyone started slut shaming me. So much bullcrap. Stay strong …

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hellooo thanks for reading my blog. Im so sorry that it happened to you. I hope that people start to realise that slut shamming isnโ€™t cool at all. You have a good day!

      Like

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