People react in different ways when they’re dealing with pain and grief. Pain from disappointment, losing someone, betrayal, heartbreak, or even simple goodbyes. Pain makes you upset and suffer. But then they said suffering is just part of this weird little game called life. As it is also a concept in Indian religions about the nature of life that innately includes the “unpleasant”, “suffering”, “pain”, “sorrow”, “distress”, “grief” or “misery.”
So like it or not. The fact is that pain is inevitable.
But even though you know that it’s a part of life and try with your best attitude to fully understand it. When the sudden unbearable amount of pain strikes you like a thunderbolt. You fall, you collapse, you crumble into the ground beneath you. You just cannot help but feel numb and helpless. You have to deal with this brutal, cruel, merciless, ruthless feeling called pain.
But they said when it happens and you’re down on the black hole, you have to force yourself to climb up from that deep scary dark hole until you make it to the surface. Unless you want to stay there forever and give up.
I believe that every great pain in this world also comes from the same source of your happiness. It usually comes from the closest people that give you a big amount of happiness but most often they come side to side with the suffering. This pain that comes from people that matter to you will be so much worse than regular pain. It comes as a disappointment or betrayal. Most of the time it will make you feel small, worthless, insignificant and pathetic. You feel rage all over your body. The kind of pain that puts you in a very dark place and makes you feel nothing but empty. That dark, sinking, relentless pain.
Some people who cause you pain (if they regret their action) will eventually ask for an apology and expect you to just forgive them. But when the wound is too deep and you already fell into that dark place sometimes you come to the point where no apology in the world matters. No word sorry can heal your wounds or undo the hurt that it has caused. Or nothing they say or do that would ease the pain.
Then you wonder.
Is being sorry enough?
Can an apology actually heal the wounds?
Will you guarantee that this will never happen again?
Should I trust you again? Or will I be insecure for the rest of my life?
I notice something about myself these days. The way I chose to deal with pain. I tend to escape and hide in a place where I hopefully can find a little peace for myself when the pain is just too much to bear. Or just find a perfect place to cry. I’m not proud of it, the way I leave people who hurt me without a single word. But it’s just the only way I know that will protect me and people around me from my words that usually shoot to kill when I’m mad. To soothe my own self. So I disappeared. I’m not that passive aggressive person who acts like nothing happens but talking shit behind their back. When I’m mad, I’m mad and you’ll know. Because I won’t take any more second to be around you. Because I don’t play games. And I’m so bad at faking the way I’m feeling.
This began when I was a kid when Mom and Dad were starting to scream at each other outside my room. I would run away from home and come back when they had stopped fighting and the pain in my chest would no longer sting at some point. Now that I’m older every time the pain was unbearable I would run away. Hiding like a little girl. Because I know myself. When I hurt I won’t have the capacity to deal with people. And it’s the healthiest way for me that I know to deal with my pain.
Until I have a clear mind to think. To observe the root of the problem then decide to fight or to completely let go.
The way I choose to handle my pain is obviously shaped by the trauma that I got from my childhood. Some people handle it differently of course, my aunt would pass out on the floor when things get hard, my cousin would punch everything around him, my other cousin would cry, my friend sometimes would shout. I ran.
Childhood trauma will not only influence the way we handle pain, it also forms the way we handle relationships and people around us. People who have unhealthy relationships in their childhood or getting abused physically or emotionally usually suffer the most. It shaped the way they treat people around them. Some people would learn from their past trauma and avoid doing the same thing to other people because they know how painful it is to be treated that way. Some others would unconsciously do the exact same thing that made them suffer before to other people. And give those pain and abusive behavior to people around them. Devalue every relationship they have and disregard people’s feelings. Then cause another pain and another trauma to other people.
When the closest human being to you is supposed to protect you, hurt you, ignore your feelings, reject your existence. We got traumatised. To ease the pain some people rather distract themselves with superficial things that would make them forget about it for a minute. But let me ask you. Would it be enough for you? Even though you have done all the distractions in life. Will it give you peace? Or will your pains and problems come haunting you back in one second?
So like it or not we have to find a way someday, somehow to deal with the pain they have caused. We can choose to blame them for the rest of our life for our suffering or be responsible for our own action to deal with it. Of course it’s their fault to make you suffer, but it’s your fault to keep on suffering if you keep ignoring the problem and the pain and not doing anything about it. And in the long run it’s also your fault if you punish people around you now for what people from your past did to you. This uses the trauma to give other people the same exact trauma to make you feel a little bit better about yourself. It has to stop.
Look I know you hurt, and I’m not trying to make your pain look small and simple. It’s not. But look around you. People also suffer and try their best to heal their wounds so they won’t make the same wound to other people. So you might as well try.
Because no matter how big the wounds people from your past gave you, it still doesn’t give you the right to just go ahead to hurt people.
Observe the kind of value we have that is influenced by the trauma. Is it good or bad? Is it doing more good to yourself and people or harm? If it shaped you to all the wrong things in life like devaluing yourself, or people around you and disregarding their feelings. Then you know something is wrong. Most likely in some severe cases people with this trauma will feel like they are entitled to treat other people the same way they got treated, comfortably undervalue people, ignoring people’s feelings, and think that it’s Ok to do that. But it’s not.
Then the people who got hurt by you will do the same to other people. And it’s going to be a demon chain unless someone is brave enough to break them. To stop denying their trauma and heal themselves. The world shouldn’t be this messed up place (not that it already is) where everyone feels entitled to hurt other people just because they got hurt before.
Extreme example. Like in the Joker movie. People treat him like shit all the time then he feels entitled to kill those people. His accumulation of disappointments and rages had made him feel like he had all the rights to do bad things to other people. To kill. Their feelings or existence didn’t really matter to him anymore. Because suffering for a long time without getting proper help has made his feelings die.
I got past trauma, it’s true. I need to heal myself from it. It’s true.
I’m not saying that healing the past trauma is easy. It’s a long exhausting journey that people should take. That I too should take. Because of my experience for years to avoid it. Had led me into all the wrong things in life. Shaped all the bad values in life that made me comfortable in hurting other people along the way. Because I think it’s ok to do so. Little did I know every time I hurt them, it hurts me just the same.
But now that I know how it feels to be with other people. I refuse to use this trauma to be my shield and sometimes gun for people around me. I choose to deal with my past and my problems. And I too will stop accepting crap from people who feel entitled to do whatever they want to me because they got hurt in the past. Cause I decided to grow from my own pain, climb this dark empty hole. If you want to go to the surface, you can take my hand, but if all you want to do is make this dark scary hole as your home and pull me back to the ground. I’ll leave you alone and wish you good luck.
So I decided to take a few steps back to get a clear picture. To have a clean start. I stop letting myself be too attached to my past like a prisoner.
So what do we do when we cross paths with people that also have a past trauma then unconsciously hurting us? They actually think that it’s ok to do that because they think they have the right plus they know exactly that we got used to the pain.
You have to realise that you have enough on your plate. And it’s not your job to fix them. Because most of the time by trying to fix people you cause more pain and damage to yourself
So you let it go. If it’s hard, then just learn to just let it be.
At the end of the day the fact that you still have the courage to climb that hole no matter how many people are trying to pull you back to the ground is enough reason to celebrate.
And it’s weird to say this, but you also need to say thank you to those who give you pain and keep pulling your feet so you fall into the hole. Because they make your feet stronger to walk away from people like them. And that wouldn’t happen if they hadn’t been such a pain in your ass, no?