Hari Lahir

Bali, 7 May 2021

Dua puluh sembilan tahun. Mengejutkan rasanya tak ada emosi yang berlebihan di tanggal tujuh tahun ini.

Sepertinya saya sudah kehilangan excitement untuk setiap hari besar sejak tahun lalu. Bukan hanya hari ulang tahun, hari raya, hari libur, terasa biasa saja. Apakah emosi saya sudah membeku?

Bahkan tahun lalu saya tidak punya harapan sama sekali ketika usia saya betambah menjadi dua puluh delapan tahun. Rasanya berharap adalah sebuah kesia-siaan. Suara Demi Lovato yang merdu justru terus berulang dikepala saya

“I feel stupid when I pray”

Di kamar di rumah Bapak di masa isolasi mencoba menyembunyikan segala frustasi.

Tahun ini saya di Bali, ditemani beberapa teman yang sudah menjadi support system selama beberapa bulan ini.

Saya masih tak berani berharap, tapi setidaknya tahun ini saya belajar banyak.

Hidup masih terasa membingungkan.

Bersembunyi dari dunia masih menjadi pilihan terbaik untuk saat ini.

Meluapkan kemarahan terkadang penting untuk dilakukan.

Memaafkan orang adalah proses yang panjang dan melelahkan.

Perihal memaafkan diri sendiri saya masih harus belajar banyak.

Segala hal adalah sementara.

Tak perlu terburu-buru dalam merawat hati untuk menumbuhkan kepercayaan kembali.

I have no wish in this year either. But I have one advice for myself

Angky, be kind to yourself.

Just yesterday

Just yesterday, purple pink sky was smiling on me on the strange place far from the place i came from

Just yesterday, a stranger made me laugh until my stomach hurt in the dining table away from home

Just yesterday, the coldest ocean water with the warmest sun convinced me that I finally belong.

Just yesterday, I felt so much joy and love and nothing felt wrong.

And it took you five whole seconds to break me down

Back to the square one

Wondering what have I done?

to deserve this.

And It took me thousand stairs, thousand mountains, thousand loves from complete strangers to help me heal.

But at least this time I know.

Each time you made me feel small, i have everything i need

To pick every single piece of me that you break, on every road i take.

All the strengths, all the loves that I couldn’t see before.

Just yesterday, you made me feel me so powerless.

But just today, I know that i am the opposite of everything you made me believed

I am the kindness and the happiness.

I am forgiveness and fearless.

I am everything, but worthless.

P.s: To my friend Rika, you are loved.

STAY WEIRD! :Advice from Asheville, North Carolina

Sudah lama nggak nulis blog, sibuk recover dari series of mental breakdown yang nggak beres-beres. Hha. Tapi bukan hanya karena itu saja, beberapa bulan lalu keyboard leptop saya rusak dan harus di service untungnya gratis karena kerusakannya termasuk kesalahan pabrik.

Anyway saya akhirnya berhasil mengumpulkan tenaga untuk menuliskan target 3 bulan lagi di notes merah maroon berdebu di pojok ruangan yang udah jarang tersentuh. Buku yang emang sengaja dibeli untuk nulisin target 3 bulan hingga 3 tahun. Biar keep on track niatnyaa. Ide ini saya dapet waktu baca buku #MILLENIALINVESTOR yang ditulis oleh Priscilla Siregar dan temannya. Si Cilla ini adalah temen les IELTS dan temen belajar di perpus kalo sabtu minggu jaman kami masih jadi pejuang LPDP di Jakarta. Bangga si dia udah nulis buku panduan money management untuk kaum milinial dari pengamalannya sendiri.

Bukunya recommended banget untuk kaum milenial yang mau mulai belajar memanage keuangannya sekaligus belajar untuk disiplin ngikutin target yang udah di buat sendiri. Target yang saya tulis sendiri ada beberapa kategori, dari target finansial, sampai cita-cita dan obsesi untuk nerbitin buku yang nggak kesampean-kesampean dari dulu. Belummm ya. Salah satu hal yang saya janjikan pada diri sendiri adalah untuk kembali menulis cerita travelling saya di blog ini minimal sebulan sekali (kalo bisa si lebih dari satu). Jadi pembaca yang budiman, doakan saya bisa komit dengan target yang sudah saya buat sendiri di buku maroon ini ya.

So here it goes! Cerita traveling saya hampir 3 tahun lalu.

Cerita di Ashville, Agustus 2019

Agustus tahun 2019 lalu ketika saya pergi ke US untuk mengunjungi sahabat saya, Amy, di New York. Yang ceritanya saya tulis di postingan Once Upon a Time in New York. Saya juga sempat pergi ke Asheville kota di bagian barat Blue Ridge Mountain di North Carolina. Sekitar 2 jam naik pesawat ke arah selatan dari New Jersey. Kota yang bahkan nggak pernah saya browsing sebelumnya dan nggak tau bahkan dimana letaknya di peta US. Keputusan semena-mena yang saya buat karena liat harga tiket pesawat antar state di US ternyata beda tipis dari Indo. Sekitar 40$-60$ nggak perlu sampe jual ginjal untuk main ke state lain. Jadi ya ayo MANGKAT!

Pertanyaannya: Kok bisa memilih kota ini yang so random. Bukannya ke L.A atau San Francisco yang udah terkenal di pelm pelm Hollywood yang suka ditonton. Tapi Asheville tetap pilihanku. Why?

Jadi ceritanya gini….

Minum dulu tehnya biar ga aus..panjang soalnya

Waktu di Sydney ada seorang perempuan yang menghubungi saya via aplikasi couchsurfing. Aplikasi ini adalah sebuah software yang sangat berguna untuk para budget traveler dalam mencari tempat tinggal, temen, sekalian host gratis. Yaa semacem cari tempat untuk numpang tidur gitu di sofa warga lokal. Saya nggak terlalu sering pakai app ini. Cuma saya punya pengalaman waktu di Jerman dulu pernah tinggal bersama keluarga yang membuka rumahnya untuk para traveler yang datang ke Jerman melalui aplikasi couchsurfing. Sebenarnya saya tinggal disana bukan karena ketemu Ibunya di aplikasi ini. Tapi justru karena kawan kuliah saya Retno kenal dengan Georg anaknya si ibu yang punya app ini. Georg ini teman belajar bahasa Retno yang nawarin saya dan Novia teman traveling saya dulu buat stay di rumah ibunya, ya gitu emang kadang saya merasa idup saya dilingkupi keberuntungan. Banyak yang nampung disana sini. Ibu Georg kebetulan memang membuka rumahnya untuk para traveler. Cerita lengkap trip saya ke Jerman bisa di baca di sini : Tidur di Ruang Bawah Tanah di Erftstadt, Germany.

Okey lanjot. Waktu di Sydney saya juga sebenernya belum pernah nge host atau membuka rumah untuk traveler dari app couchsurfing karena selalu tinggal ramean sekamar biar hemat dan nggak punya kamar private. Atau tinggal di apartment yang berisi sedikit orang yang sama-sama membuka rumah untuk couchsurfer. Hingga tiba-tiba seorang perempuan asal Amerika mengirim saya pesan di aplikasi couchsurfing. Ia adalah seorang mahasiswi di US yang lagi ambil master dan belajar tentang mental health. Namanya Jenna. Nah si Jenna ini lagi solo traveling selama 3 bulan ke Asia Tenggara, Australia dan New Zealand.

Saat itu teman sekamar saya Gina dan Gia kebetulan lagi pergi liburan ke Korea dan Jepang jadi saya accept saja request si Jenna ini untuk stay di apartment kami di Lindfield. She seems smart and fun. Apalagi mengetahui Jena sedang belajar mental health saya jadi semakin tertarik untuk berdiskusi dengannya.

Tahun sebelumnya jujur saja keadaan mental saya jauh dari kata sehat. Berasa sekarat malah pada satu titik. Ada sebuah trauma baru yang sulit sekali saya sembuhkan walaupun sudah coba berbagai cara. Dari berolahraga gila-gilaan dan mendistraksi diri dengan kerja keras bagai kuda di Sydney. Sampai pada akhirnya saya harus mengakui kalau sudah saatnya saya mengakui kalau saya membutuhkan bantuan tenaga profesional untuk proses healing. Saya memutuskan untuk menjalani terapi dengan psikiater via BetterHelp.

Seorang terapis memberi diagnosa kalau saya memang sudah mulai depresi dan menawarkan untuk menuliskan resep untuk saya tebus. Ia meminta saya untuk mengkonsumsi anti depresant. Karena beberapa bulan terakhir saya kesulitan untuk tidur dan menangis setiap malam. Sebenarnya sudah dua kali saya memiliki suicidal thoughs. Tapi itu dulu sekali dan trauma baru ini walaupun meresahkan tapi somehow masih bisa saya kontrol. Saya tak serta merta mengikuti saran psikiater ini untuk mengkonsumsi anti depressant, dan mencoba mencari second opinion. Psikiater lain lebih menganjurkan untuk mencoba teknik mindfullness untuk mengurangi stress dan anxiety. Walaupun tetap saja sulit juga untuk diterapkan. Tapi saran dari terapis ini saya lakukan setiap hari yang bener juga membuat saya merasa sedikit lebih baik dari waktu ke waktu. Waktu itu saking sulitnya untuk istirahat di malam hari, setiap mau tidur saya juga mencoba sleep meditation biar bisa istirahat barang sebentar.

Kembali ke cerita Jena. Akhirnya selama liburan di Sydney, Jena menginap di apartment saya di Lindfield selama lima hari. Kami berdiskusi banyak mengenai perjalanan hidup dan trauma masa lalu yang ternyata bukan hanya saya saja yang mengalami kesulitan dalam memelihara kesehatan mental di jaman now ini. Jenna pun sedang mengalami masalah yang tak jauh berbeda dari saya dan para kaula muda lainnya, putus cinta dan nggak merasa belong. Sampai ia akhirnya memutuskan untuk mengambil jeda dari hidupnya dan melakukan solo trip selama 3 bulan penuh. Belajar untuk memahami dan lebih dekat dengan dirinya sendiri melalui perjalanan.

“Almost everyone in our age questioning our life, you are in the right time and age to feel this way” katanya kepada saya ketika kami berbincang panjang lebar di sudut cafe Pishon di stasiun Chatswood malam sebelum keberangkatannya ke Fiji. Intinya saya memang gila, tapi saya nggak gila sendirian.

“I’m gonna go back to US from Sydney after my 3 months solo trip, I’ll see you again before I go back to US and tell you about my trip and what I learn from it, Okey?”

Begitu saja kami menjadi kawan baik hingga saat ini. Ia juga berpesan kalau suatu hari saya pergi ke US, saya harus mengunjunginya di Asheville, tempatnya tinggal dan belajar.

Ketika Jenna kembali Sydney setelah tripnya berakhir, hari itu ternyata juga adalah hari keberangkatan saya ke New York. Kami tak sempat bertemu di Sydney karena saya harus mengejar pesawat malam ketika Jenna baru tiba di Sydney. Jadi rencananya kami ubah. Bukan Jenna yang datang ke Sydney untuk menceritakan perjalanannya selama 3 bulan tapi saya yang datang ke rumah Jenna di Asheville untuk menagih janjinya untuk menceritakan perjalanannya selama 3 bulan di New Zealand dan Asia Tenggara. Begitu lah asal muasal saya nyasar di North Carolina. Untuk menagih cerita Jenna.

***

New York – New Jersey – Charlotte – Hickory – Asheville

Dari New York saya harus terbang ke kota Charlotte di North Carolina naik spirit Airline, budget airlinenya US. Tapi kali ini saya nggak terbang melalui bandara JFK di New York. Melainkan dari bandara Newark Liberty International Airport di New Jersey. Dari New York ke New Jersey juga nggak terlalu jauh kalo naik kereta, hanya memakan waktu sekitar 1 jam. Tapi untung suami Amy, sahabat saya di NY baiknyaaaaaaa nggak ketolongan. Saya dianterin pagi-pagi ke New Jersey biar nggak perlu naik subway dan train. Rejeki anak soleh kalo kata orang-orang.

Penerbangan dari bandara Newark ke Charlotte, North Carolina hanya memakan waktu sekitar 2 jam. Tapi dari Charlotte ke Asheville saya harus naik shuttle yang harganya lebih mahal ternyata pemirsah daripada harga tiket pesawatnya sendiri (85 dollar USD yassalam). Bentuk shuttle nya kayak travel Bandung-Jakarta di Indo dan cuma butuh waktu 2 jam juga untuk sampe Asheville. Jadi kalo digabung total waktu tempuh dari New York ke Ashville sekitar 4 jaman. Sebenernya ada juga opsi transportasi yang lebih murah dari Charlotte ke Asheville yaitu dengan naik bus Greyhound. Harganya cuma sekitar 20 dollar, tapi jarak dan waktu tempunya lebih panjang daripada shuttle. Kalo naik bus saya harus ikhlas berada di dalam bus sekitar 8 jam. Karena rute bus ini muter lebih jauh dan harus singgah ke Atlanta, Georgia terlebih dahulu. Karena saya bukan pecinta transit, jadilah saya pilih naik shuttle karena lebih cepat sampe dan lebih nyaman.

Demi mengunjungi Jenna akhirnya saya rela naik shuttle bernama Hickory Hop yang ternyata di dalam mobil itu cuma ada 2 penumpang aja. Nyaman juga batin saya. Sebelum sampai ke Asheville kami berhenti di kota kecil bernama Hickory dan parkir di sebuah bandara kecil Hickory. Bandara yang buat saya senyam senyum sendiri karena di dalamnya museum, menarique! Setelah menunggu sekitar 10 menit dan belum sempet muterin museum kami jalan lagi menuju ke Asheville.

Waktu sampai di pemberhentian shuttle terakhir di Asheville, dari dalam mobil saya sudah bisa liat Jenna nongkrong nungguin saya di parkiran. Wahh happy banget saya akhirnya bisa ketemu Jenna di Asheville, nggak nyangka juga. Di Asheville, saya nggak nginap di apartment Jenna, tapi kami menginap di rumah kawan Jenna, Edward, yang sedang pergi ke rumah orang tuanya di luar kota. Sebuah rumah berlantai dua yang berwarna ungu dengan porch dan front yard yang cantik sekali. Segala perabotan tua di rumah tersebut membuat saya teringat model rumah-rumah di film desperate housewife yang sering saya tonton dulu. OMG My American Dream House.

Mengapa kami dipersilakan untuk tinggal di rumah cakep ini selama 3 malam penuh? Karena kami pun harus memberi makan 3 anjingnya selama pemilikinya pergi. Anjing yang emesh-emesh itu. Boleh makan semua bahan makanan yang ada di dapur juga. I’m a lucky biatch or what?

Asheville adalah sebuah kota kecil yang menghargai seni. Di downtown banyak toko-toko yang mejual kerajinan tangan dari penduduk lokal kota ini. Seperti handmade anting, pahatan, tas, hingga kerajinan dari tanah liat. Kata Jenna semua barang handmade dari masyarakatnya lebih dihargai daripada segala sesuatu yang berbau mass production. Karena alasan itu barang-barang handmade ini bernilai jual yang cukup tinggi. Sebagai upayanya untuk memberi support terhadap product lokal juga. Ada banyak sekali art Gallery di pinggiran kota ini yang berisi lukisan-lukisan dan berbagai kerajinan dari kaca.

Saya jatuh cinta dengan berbagai macam handmade earnings yang dijual di toko-toko di downtown. Cantik-cantik sekali. Setiap ukirannya seperti mempunyai ciri khas dan keunikannya sendiri. Meskipun akhirnya saya hanya mampu beli satu anting paling murah yang harganya 20 dollar. Tapi worth it. Keluar dari toko ada mbak-mbak pinggir jalan yang nyaut.

“Omg, i love your earrings , you look great on it, where did you get that” dengan aksen kental Amerikanya

“Thank you, just bought them around the corner, that shop, you should have one too” balas saya

“I will honey, I’m going there now, have a wonderful day”

“You too”

Wow batin saya. Small town vibe. Orangnya ramah-ramah sekali.

Di Asheville petani lokal sangat dihargai, setiap seminggu sekali ada farmers market di sebuah lapangan parkir di pinggiran kota. Para warga lokal yang punya kebun di rumahnya, menjual berbagai macam buah dan sayuran di tenda-tenda kecil yang sudah disediakan. Warga disini, termasuk Jenna selalu membeli buah dan sayuran di tempat ini seminggu sekali karena warga Asheville memang berdedikasi tinggi dalam mensupport warga lokal untuk hidup lebih sustainable. Untuk berbelanja orang-orang juga perlu menukarkan uangnya dengan koin kayu yang sudah disediakan.

Saya benar-benar menikmati kegiatan berbelanja saya di Farmers Market selama di Asheville.

Tidak seperti di New York yang lebih banyak menjual makanan cepat saji, di Asheville justru sebaliknya. Saya tak melihat ada restaurant cepat saji di downtown, disini justru ada banyak sekali vegetarian restaurant. Selain warganya sudah aware dengan issu kesehatan, mereka juga perduli dengan isu global warming. Di restaurant restaurant ini pun menerapkan beberapa aturan sustainable practice. Selama saya disana pun saya lebih banyak makan vegetarian food yang ternyata sedap juga karena Jenna juga nggak banyak makan daging. Melihat kecenderungan selera makan saya belakangan ini yang lebih menikmati sayuran daripada daging merah, kalo dipikir-pikir lagi sepertinya kecenderungan ini dimulai dari latihan makan sayuran saya di Ashville yang masih terbawa sampai sekarang.

Di kota ini juga ada banyak komunitas Yoga dan Acupuncture yang ada di pinggiran-pinggiran kota. Saya dan Jenna datang ke sebuah komunitas Yoga yang bayarnya boleh seikhlasnya. Nggak bayar juga boleh. Saya nanya ke Jenna kok bisa gitu. Katanya guru-guru Yoga baru ini harus ngumpulin hours of teaching yoga baru bisa dikasih licence atau sertifikat saya lupa untuk mengajar yoga secara profesional. Karena itu yang datang ke tempat ini boleh seikhlasnya bayarnya. Di dalamnya juga ada toko baju bekas yang dijual for the purpose of ‘going green’. Walaupun bayar seikhlasnya, guru yoga di kelas yang saya ikuti itu termasuk one of the best yoga class yang pernah saya ikuti. Ada satu hal yang disampaikan oleh yoga teacher itu saya ingat di akhir sesi Yoga di Asheville.

“If you’re tired doing everything you can to let go, maybe instead of letting go, you can try to let it be. Like water in a glass with sand inside of it. If you keep stirring the water hoping the sand will magically out of the glass. it will not happen, it will makes it cloudy. So why don’t you keep still and let it be. The sand will be settled on the bottom of the glass and the water will be clear. So let it be”

Pada akhir sesi perempuan itu mengucapkan Metta Prayer

May all beings be happy and free. May all beings be well. May all beings be safe. May all beings be peaceful and at ease. Namaste.

Right in that very moment, I knew that this is the reason I went to Asheville. For this very particular moment.

Setelah mengikuti kelas yoga, saya diajak Jenna untuk mencoba Acupunture. Kalo ini saya yang minta. To face my fear of needles. Sebenernya nggak anti-anti banget sama jarum. Cuma ide mencoba pengobatan tradisional dengan nusukin jarum ke seluruh badan demi mengurangi stress seru juga kayaknya. Lagi-lagi di sini kami boleh bayar seikhlasnya, tapi karena saya baru pertama kali kesana jadi saya harus bayar 35$. Dan taraaaa walaupun jarumnya ditusuk dari ujung pala sampe ujung kaki ternyata nggak sesakit itu. Efeknya, belum kerasa si masih B aja, tapi mungkin karena baru sekali. Tapi intinya that day I conquered my fear of having a bunch of needles all over my body! Itu aja. Mantab. Proud of you Ki!

***

Karena di Asheville saya nggak liburan, tapi visiting a friend. Jadi kegiatan saya ya ngintilin Jenna dari pagi sampe malem. Kalau dia harus ke kampus, saya biasanya duduk di cafe & bakery lokal yang konsepnya simple yet chick. Duduk di bawah pohon having my morning latte and croissant sambil nulis notes sampe Jenna balik kampus. Sorenya kami suka duduk di toko buku lokal yang ada cafe nya juga. Buku-buku yang dipajang kebanyakan tentang pembahasan sejarah hingga perjuangan orang hitam di Amerika memperjuangkan kesetaraan dan menghapus white supremacy. Di jendela kecil dan di dalam toko buku poster #Blacklivesmatter dipasang dimana-mana.

Saya merasa menemukan kota yang berbeda dari yang lainnya. Orang-orang dengan dandanan yang authentic di downtown. Tapi kota ini juga adalah kota yang memperjuangkan hidup yang berkesinambungan, karena orang-orangnya mencintai alamnya, kreatifitas warganya, orang-orang dengan ras berbeda, hingga memperjuangkan kaum yang masih di inferiorkan. Betapa kerennya batin saya.

Sebuah gravity bertulisan Stay Weird terlihat jelas setiap kami melewati Robert Street di parkiran restaurant dan studio. Menurut Jenna, warga Asheville menghargai keunikan masing-masing orang yang memilih hidup dengan caranya sendiri. Karena itu di kota ini pekerjaan warganya tidak banyak yang berhubungan dengan pemerintahan atau pekerjaan yang sering saya lihat di Jakarta. Tapi mereka memilih untuk mmebuka studio lukisan, pahatan, menjadi musisi, membuat anting dan pernak pernik, berkebun dan menjual hasil panennya, membuka kedai ice cream kecil atau family bakery. Segala hal yang mereka buat dan gunakan sendiri. Keep being weird kata Jenna. Mungkin mantra ini membuat orang-orang Asheville percaya akan keunikan orang masing-masing dan menjadikannya sebagai strength instead of weakness. Untuk dighargai apapun penampilan, ras, dan cara hidupnya. Bahkan kalau boleh saya bilang hal ini membuat orang-orang Asheville untuk jauh dari kata greedy dan saling menjaga sesama manusia dan alam.

You can be anything you want, as weird as you can. But first, be human.

***

Jenna mengenalkan saya kepada teman-teman kampusnya bernama Sam dan Clensey. Couple yang ramahnya nggak ketolongan. Kami duduk di salah satu toko ice cream kecil di pinggiran Ashville. Jenna dan Sam entah mengapa berdiskusi serius tentang mengapa Jenna menolak uang dari Edward karena membantunya menjaga anjingnya. Seru sekali diskusinya sampe bawa-bawa teori kuliahnya. Saya dan Clensey ngobrol sendiri tentang alasan saya ke pergi ke US yang selain ingin bertemu dengan sahabat kecil saya, Amy di New York saya juga ingin merawat diri. Karena salah satu cara untuk mengenal diri lebih dekat bagi saya adalah dengan melakukan solo traveling. Dan sebagai practice untuk self love juga kata saya kepada Clensey. This is me giving reward for myself because I have survived from a hell last year.

“Aww that’s great, maybe you should buy yourself a ring and marry yourself. To remind you how much you love yourself”

Kata Clensey menanggapi cerita saya dengan wajah berbinar-binar. Kami tertawa. Membeli cincin untuk diri sendiri sebagai simbol self love is actually a cool idea. So in the future when someone would treat me like shit I could just see my ring and say HELL you don’t get to treat me that way I love me this much. I’m leaving!

Saran Clensey yang agak absurd ini akhirnya saya lakukan ketika saya pergi ke Montreal. Cerita selengkapnya nanti saya ceritakan di post berikutnya ya.

“Angky you should call me when you come to Asheville again, or Jenna or Sam or Edward, you are always welcome here” kata Clensey sambil memeluk saya sebelum kami berpisah malam itu. What a nice feeling having this privilege to meet these friendly people. Asheville is not my favourite place in US to be honest, but i will definitely come back to Asheville someday to meet my favourite people here in US.

Pada malam-malam terakhir sebelum saya kembali ke New York, Jenna mengajak saya untuk menonton live music di downtown. Kami memasuki sebuah bar kecil berisi barisan meja yang menghadap ke stage kecil di ujung ruangan. Sekitar lima orang musisi sibuk menyiapkan instrument musiknya di panggung. Seorang wanita menghampiri kami di pintu masuk dan menanyakan ID Card. Saya tentu saja lupa bawa karena saya pikir live musiknya ada di Cafe.

“She is 27 and doesn’t drink alcohol” kata Jenna meyakinkan wanita itu untuk mengizinkan saya masuk dan menonton live music.

“Oke but I need to mark her hand so nobody serve her alcohol”

“Deal”

Wanita itu kemudian mengeluarkan pulpen dari kantongnya dan menggambar tanda X di punggung tangan saya. Sebagai caranya untuk memberi tahu seluruh staff bar kalo anak ini dilarang pesan alcohol.

Kami berdua pesan teh untuk menonton live music. Hal baru yang saya temukan adalah teh yang dipesan Jenna adalah CBD Tea

Menurut https://www.cbdteas.net CBD tea is a blend of cannabidiol and herbs and/or tea leaves. Both hemp and marijuana are part of the family of plants called cannabis. Cannabis plants boast about 100 different chemicals called cannabinoids. Hemp plants contain high levels of the chemical CBD, which is non-psychoactive.

Yap I took a sip of course for the sake of once in a lifetime experience. Menurut Jenna minuman ekstrak dari cannabis ini bukan dibuat untuk bikin nge fly atau jadi high pas dikonsumsi, tapi justru bikin rileks dan nggak tense. Which is true, I never feel more relax in my entire life. Tapi kayaknya CBD ini nggak bikin terlalu addictive seperti marijuana ya. Btw ini teh legal dan ada dimana-mana di kota ini. Yahhh buat pengalaman nggak papa ya. Then we enjoyed the rest of the night with live music lalu pulang ke rumah.

Hari terakhir saya di Asheville Jenna tanya “Ki would you like to do something else in Asheville before you go back to New York” Beberapa hari di Asheville sangat berkesan bagi saya. Dengan Jenna perempuan yang saya temui di Sydney 3 bulan sebelumnya. Kami banyak pergi minum kopi di toko buku dan berbincang tentang perjalananya di Asia Tenggara atau rencana solo trip saya ke Canada beberapa minggu lagi. Kehidupan di Sydney dan perjalanan ke New York. Kuliahya di Asheville. Pelajaran yang kami dapat di solo trip masing-masing. Bagi saya it is rare to find a good friend di perjalanan, but it’s even more rare to find a good friend yang gets you dan understand your journey, physically and emotionally. And I am beyond grateful memiliki kesempatan untuk bertemu Jenna dan mengunjungi kotanya.

“Yes I want to go to that parking lot to see that Stay Weird sign, and just sit in French Broad River”

Duduk di tepian Frech Broad River yang dengan pemandangan pepohonan yang masih hijau dan udara yang masih bersih. Melihat seorang Bapak mengajari anaknya memancing was enough for me.

Right in that very moment I felt like I have everything I need and have nothing to lose.

Thank You Asheville for the lesson to keep on being weird and human at the same time 🙂

Revisiting childhood memories

Saya menemukan puluhan notes yang saya tulis dari kecil hingga sekarang di rumah yang dulu keluarga saya tempati. Ada satu buku khusus. Buku harian pertama yang saya tulis saat kelas 5 SD hingga 1 SMP. Hari ini saya membaca habis buku harian yang saya tulis 19 tahun lalu. Buku yang menjadi bukti sejarah. Hal-hal yang terjadi di masa lampau yang ikut serta membentuk diri saya yang sekarang. Entahlah rasanya ingin saya tulis kembali disini. Diri saya yang berumur 10 tahun, dan bagaimana anak kecil itu melihat dunianya dulu. So here we go.

Atlet sekolah

Ibu menyekolahkan saya di SD Al-Irsyad, sebuah SD islam di kota kami. Mata pelajarannya ada lebih banyak pelajaran tentang islam daripada yang general. Di sana saya punya banyak teman. Salah satunya Hanum yang sampai sekarang masih setia mondar-mandir di hidup saya.

Saya sering menceritakan keseharian saya di buku ini. Kebanyakan cerita tentang telat masuk kelas dan dimarahin guru. Kegiatan-kegiatan yang sering saya ikuti. Waktu SD saya aktif di kegiatan olahraga. Bahkan sering mewakili sekolah untuk lomba ini itu. Ketika anak yang lain belajar di kelas biasanya saya keluar jam 9 pagi untuk latihan voli bareng anak sekolah lainnya di alun-alun untuk kejuaraan di Kabupaten. Belajar di kelas dari jam 7-3 sore (yes benar sekolah kami memiliki jam belajar yang lebih panjang dari sekolah biasa, karena harus solat dzuhur di sekolah dan belajar ngaji setiap hari, hafalan juz amma hingga Al-Quran) nggak menarik minat saya. Karena itu saya berusaha unggul di mata pelajaran olahraga biar jadi tim atletnya sekolah. Karena kalau jadi atlet pasti sibuk latihan di lapangan dan bolos pelajaran. Hore. Semua ekskul olahraga di daftarin, dari basket sampai taekwondo. Biar nggak belajar di kelas saya harus jadi atlet. Dan misi saya berhasil, saya jarang masuk kelas dan lebih sering latihan atau ikut lomba.

Menurut buku harian itu, teman dekat saya adalah Iza dan Rizky yang sekarang juga masih suka ketemu kadang-kadang. Kami tomboy dan pecicilan bukan main. Hobinya main sepeda di komplek rumah Iza. Kalau istirahat anak perempuan lain ke kantin, kami ambil bola basket dan main di lapangan. Iza ini juga salah satu atlet di sekolah. Kalo latihan voli di alun-alun saya berangkat bareng iza boncengan naik sepeda. Dikasih duit jajan sama guru olahraga juga biasanya kalau mau latihan. Nak nan. Prestasi yang saya raih di bidang olahraga adalah Juara 1 Lomba Tolak Peluru satu kecamatan. Tapi karena prestasi ini saya jadi sering dikirim untuk lomba-lomba tingkat Kabupaten.

Hobby dimarahin guru

Karena lumayan sering absen karena latihan saya jadi sering nggak ikut pelajaran dan nggak ngerjain PR. Sering dihukum di pojokan kalau nggak bisa jawab pertanyaan guru bahasa Arab yang killer. Dulu bahkan saya sering dipukul dan dicubit oleh salah satu ustadzah. Pernah suatu hari saya dilempar penghapus dari depan kelas ke arah saya yang untung nggak kena oleh ustad yang namanya Sismanan karena ketahuan ngobrol. Atau dilempar pakai meja ngaji kecil ngaji karena ketahuan ngerjain PR di pelajaran Tahfiz. Kalo jaman sekarang udah viral mungkin hal-hal seperti ini dan dilaporkan ke KPAI. Jaman dulu cerita ke ortu aja engga karena saking seringnya. Tapi saya sempet laporin ustad sismanan ke almarhum nenek saya karena dia tetangganya. Tentu saja Nenek saya langsung mendatangi rumahnya buat marah-marah. “Emang harus dilempar penghapus papan tulis penuh debu kapur itu ke cucu saya, ngomong aja pake mulut ga bisa ya?” mungkin itu yang dia bilang ke guru saya waktu itu. Karena seinget saya si Ustad jadi nggak galak lagi sama saya abis didatengin nenek saya yang beberapa hari setelah itu meninggal.

Naksir anak sekolahan lain

Ada sebuah cerita yang bikin saya ngakak bacanya sekarang. Umur 10 tahun saya udah bisa naksir sama anak sekolahan sebelah. Ceritanya temen deket saya si Fajar, yang sering main ke rumah bareng ortunya yang kerjanya bareng Bapak, ngenalin temen les renangnya namanya Eka. Eka ini pinter banget dan mukanya menurut pengakuan anak SD yang taunya orang paling ganteng sedunia cuma Daniel Radcliffe. Eka itu mirip babang Daniel karena pake kacamata dan rambutnya mohawk. Lalu si Eka ngirim surat minta kenalan lewat Fajar. Dari situ cerita diary saya isinya muja-muja si titisan Daniel mulu padahal ketemu aja nggak berani ngomong. Ketemu di try out SMP aja malah ngumpet. Pada akhirnya nggak jadian juga karena nggak ngerti apa-apa juga anak SD. Ya gitu aja cerita tentang Eka yang akhirnya masuk SMP 3 yang letaknya di sebelah SMP saya tapi tetep kagak ada upaya. Intinya Eka adalah orang pertama yang saya taksir. At least saya tahu tipe saya dari dulu yang gitu, kiyis kiyis dan anak pinter rajin belajar dan pintar berenang.

Ada satu lagi ni, sebut saja dia Jordan. Ketua kelas waktu SD. Sama kayak Eka ni anak paling pinter sekelas cuma agak gemuk. Naksir berat. Buku harian isinya penuh dengan muji-muji betapa geniusnya ini anak. Walaupun saya senengnya olahraga entah kenapa kalo naksir pasti naksir orang yang suka belajar. Sampe semua orang dicemburuin yaelah nggak santai banget. Tapi nggak jadi juga karena ni anak akhirnya naksir sama ukhti yang rajin beribadah dan belajar. Ukhti yang akhirnya sekarang jadi temen baik saya dan jadi dokter di Semarang ini.

Sudah mengenal kata-kata kasar sejak usia dini

Waktu SD ada sepupu saya yang tinggal di luar kota yang tinggal di rumah di kamar Mamas (kakak laki-laki saya). Menurut tulisan yang saya tulis di diary ini dulu saya kesel banget sama si Mas sepupu ini. Karena mungkin menurut anak SD jaman itu dia telah merebut banyak teritori di rumah saya dan nggak ramah ke temen-temen Mamas yang sering main PS di ruang tamu. Yang saya kaget ketika saya baca lagi buku ini, ada banyak umpatan-umpatan kasar yang entah darimana datangnya. Apakah saya kebanyakan nonton film “Benci-benci tapi rindu?” yang kayaknya nggak bisa dilewatin jaman itu. Ceritanya juga udah lupa. Tapi entahlah.

Penggila Band Westlife dan Simple Plan

Saya memberi nama buku harian saya Angky McFadden. Siapakah McFadden, yap benar itu nama Bryan McFadden. Salah satu anggota Westlife yang saya gilai. Serius segitunya sampe waktu Bryan keluar dari Westlife ni buku isinya kesedihan semua. Kek dunia luluh lantah karena Om Bryan nggak nyanyi lagi bareng Om Shane.

Aku tak mengerti kenapa kamu tega keluar dari Westlife Bryan, apakah kamu tidak menghargai fans-fansmu.

Kata saya di diary itu.

Seperti itu kira-kira level ke alayan saya ketika Bryan pensiun dari Westlife. Begitu membahana, begitu emosional. Tapi dari kesenangan ini juga saya jadi senang belajar Bahasa Inggris.

Simple Plan nanti saya ceritain ya

Merasa kalau Mamas lebih disayang sama Ibu

Ada tulisan surat yang saya tulis untuk Ibu di diary ini. Mempertanyakan kenapa Ibu lebih sayang sama Mamas. Mamas yang sering dibela dan dibanggakan di depan saudara. Mamas yang memang lebih pinter urusan pelajaran dari pada saya. Walaupun saya cukup membanggakan di bidang olahraga dan bawa piala ke rumah tetep aja kurang rasanya. Ya gitu curhatan anak SD yang sudah mulai sensitip.

Ibu dulu sering marah

Ada sebuah tulisan yang menceritakan kalau Ibu dulu sering marah. Kalau saya melakukan hal kecil kadang bilang ‘gitu aja nggak bisa’ ‘gitu aja jatuh’ membuat hati gadis kecil ini potek-potek. Sampe saya takut karena pernah numpahin susu ke kasur di depan TV. Ada juga berbagai macam protes tulisan bahwa Ibu sering pergi ke Jakarta dan Bandung bareng sepupu atau Pak Dhe. Alasannya buat beli baju untuk dijual lagi di Purwokerto. Ternyata dulu saya sedikit so sad karena sering ditinggal-tinggal. Banyak kejadian-kejadian kecil yang bikin ortu saya berantem. Kalau dilihat sekarang kejadian itu terjadi karena Bapak dan Ibu saya ini dua manusia yang berbeza. Bapak saya ini orangnya segala macam aktipitas harus direncanakan, bahkan mau makan di luar juga harus di plan dulu. Kalau Ibu lebih suka apa apa yang spontan. Makannya jadwal kadang kacau balau. Ultah tante aja ribut salah jadwal. Hal ini yang sering bikin ribut jaman itu. Dan saya yang masih kecil itu sudah bisa menceritakan dengan detail gimana nggak enaknya kalau mereka mulai berantem di luar kamar.

But looking back now, I do understand why Mom was acting that way. She was obviously in a lot of stress and pressure that time. Just regret some uncontrollable situations that made both me and my brother were extremely sad and lonely that time.

Makanya abis itu ganti jadi ngefans sama Simple Plan karena merasa liriknya relate sama idup saya.

Yaudah segitu aja cerita buku harian pertama saya. Nanti kalau baca buku harian selanjutnya pengin saya tulis juga. Sambil observasi masa kecil saya yang sedikit banyak membentuk sikap saya sekarang ini.

Kalau kalian punya nggak si buku harian yang masih ada sampe sekarang, yang bingung ini enaknya disimpen apa dibakar aja ya? Kadang nggak sanggup baca ke alayan diri sendiri.

But on the other hand. It’s also part of a big history. It’s my history.

Lagu Simple Plan paling sering di puter.

I’m jut a kid.

I’m just a kid
And life is a nightmare
I’m just a kid
I know that it’s not fair
Nobody cares
‘Cause I’m alone and the world is-
Nobody wants to be alone in the world

Nobody cares
‘Cause I’m alone and the world is having more fun than me tonight

I’m all alone tonight
Nobody cares tonight
‘Cause I’m just a kid tonight

Part of the problem is us.

Yesterday my dad asked me to drive him to our old house. It is usually for rent but our relatives have been living there for a while for free. After more than a month they lived there they gave the key back to dad, and he was finally able to visit the house. And he was in rage because the house was dirty and a mess.

Take a few steps back before this day. The people that my dad gave permission to stay in our old home were having problems with my other relatives and had made family dramas. Dad didn’t want to get involved with those dramas. Last month my dad had a hip replacement surgery that made him just stay at home for the whole month because obviously he couldn’t walk. There was a huge problem in his family that made two groups fighting against each other. Fighting about who’s right, who’s wrong. I asked my dad not to get involved in this. But letting my relatives live in our old house made people think that dad supported this group. He just simply wanted to put a roof above someone who didn’t have a place to stay while they were here and he has an empty house. Without wanting to be on anyone’s side. But little did he know, he signed for trouble.

His relatives had so many problems when they stayed with my other relatives. Making a mess everywhere he goes. But because my dad just could stay at home and didn’t really understand the situation as well as the truth, when both sides were telling their side of the story he just didn’t know who to believe and didn’t want to get involved. And focus on his hip recovery. 

Two days ago these relatives who stayed in our house gave the key back and told him thank you for letting them stay in our old house. They finished their job here and wanted to go back to their hometown, and said they just tried to fight with the other relatives. But when dad checked his old house and found a mess, he was really really mad. 

I didn’t try to calm him down, I only said “You knew their track record right? The kind of mess they made”

“Ya but i just wanted to help them”

“I’m sorry dad, it’s their problem to be so irresponsible and ignorant, but it’s your problem to let them in, even though deep down you knew this was gonna happen” . Doesn’t wanting to get involved in someone’s business or problem is one thing, but ignoring the signs that someone is in trouble is another thing. It’s like having so many red flags from a boy who approaches you. But you just go ahead and date him, and act surprised when in the end they treat you like shit and call them an assholes. 

I’m not saying that you should not help people. You should. You really should. But sometimes for some people with some condition by trying to help them you would only damage yourself. 

It will be better if you see the sign if there’s any from a person you want to help, observe their problem. Is it the kind of problem they continually have, is it actually the problem that they have to resolve by themselves, or is it a kind of problem that if you’re helping them it will bring more harm than good for both sides. Yes, those kinds of problems exist. If the answer is yes, maybe you should just step back and let them deal with their own problems.

I could say these things to my dad because It happened to me before, not once but a few times. Until I learned the hard way.

Wanting to help people in need is a natural thing. Sometimes you don’t need a reason to do that. It’s a good thing, really. Some people find joy in seeing other people’s safety and sound and development. But when the people you help treat you like trash or like you don’t even exist in the end. Or when you are in the same position like they were before you helped them they didn’t give any shit. It’ll burn you with rage.

It is also a natural thing when you expect them to treat you the same way. But surprise. Some people don’t give a shit no matter how hard you tried to lift them up before.

My friend said I got hurt because I expect to be treated the same. I should not expect good treatment. So? I should just be ok to be treated like shit?

In my opinion it’s ok to expect. The way people treat you shows how much value they give to you. Especially when you treat them right and help them when they need you. If they treat you like shit in return. That means they don’t value you the way you value them. They don’t have the same amount of respect that you have for them, for you. If you keep giving high value and a high level of respect to those people who won’t do the same to you. It’ll only drain you down. So the best thing to do is, step back. Cause trust me it won’t do any good. Not only they don’t value you the way you do, they might have a very low value and respect for human relationships too. 

You don’t mean that much to them as they mean to you. This is what’s hurt you. So you might as well reevaluate your value you give to them. Are they worth the energy and effort that you give them? Cause surprise you are not worth that much to them. And surprise again, it’s not even a healthy human relationship, they just took advantage of you before. And it isn’t healthy if you keep giving your best to these kinds of people.

I was once giving my best to help people. My energy, my time, and my money. Put a roof under their head, food on their plate, pay all the bills, work two jobs, and had 0 in my bank account for days to help them pay whatever they need to get them settled. Until they could stand up on their own two feet and live a safe and better life. Then I found them lying on my face. It felt like being smashed by a wrecking ball to be honest. 

Even though I had cleared the problem out. It still hurts. Especially when I know now that when I’m in the exact same position they were before, they cannot be more careless. And I feel like I’m being treated like I’m not even exist. And pain radiates from all sides.

And the things that are supposed to be a good thing, hurt you. Then you ask yourself

“What have I done to deserve this?” 

The answer is: You’ve done too much to someone who doesn’t even value your existence. Wake up!

I have bad news for you, as much as you want to blame them for your broken heart or how shitty you feel right now. A part of the problem is you. 

For not reading the signs, for letting them in, for accepting the shitty treatments again and again. And finally for not measuring their value to you.

When you complain why did someone you just give your best food in your fridge for, gave you poison in return. Well, maybe you were the one who was letting a witch come into your house in the first place and feed her. A poison from them should not be surprising. No? Okay, that might be a scary example. 

My friend once said this when we talked about this problem. 

Maybe you should measure the portion they gave you, and give them exactly the same portion. The effort, the energy, the value, the respect. So you won’t feel empty inside. Like maybe you hurt because you always try your best and give people 100% of yours, and when they gave you 20% for you, you feel hurt, small and insignificant, sometimes even stupid. Right now, measure yourself and measure others’ efforts. Match the effort they give to you. Because even a good person has boundaries and limits. 

Staying in the victim mentality is dangerous, even though maybe you were a victim of certain abuse. But after all, what’s done is done. You can’t turn back time and undo the hurt. You can only learn from it. 

It doesn’t mean that you cannot help people. But you should evaluate first whether that person really needs your help or they seem like they just want to take advantage of you. Understand their behaviour and track record and red flags (especially when they are your friends and relatives, you should know better). If you see any red flags, and repeating problems, step back and see the bigger picture. Ask yourself, is it you that should help them, or they have to help themselves first. If deep down you know that helping someone who doesn’t value you the way you do to them will only crash or break you in the end, just pack your shit and go. 

But it’s life, these things happen. It’s inevitable sometimes. But once you learn about it, I hope you know better. If you know better, I hope you will do better. And sometimes they have to break you, in order for you to rebuild yourself. Making your tolerance to shitty treatments become smaller and smaller. And realise that you are too worthy to be treated right and respected. 

Like my favourite fiction character from Grey’s Anatomy Dr. Cristina Yang said

“If you want crappy things to stop happening to you, stop accepting crap and demand something more.” 

Bridal Shower ala Adventurer. Road Trip ke Bali Utara.

Ada teman-teman dekat yang saya dapat karena memiliki kesamaan hobby eksplor dan jalan-jalan. Atau hobi makan, atau hobi road trip. Atau nyambung aja gitu kalo ngobrol.

Ada nih temen saya yang namanya Dyandra yang panggilannya Ebby, yang saya kenal di kantor pertama saya di Jakarta yang semua hobby dan kesenangannya kurang lebih sama. Yang akhirnya tinggal bareng satu apartment di Jaksel bareng satu temen lainnya biar literrally jadi anak gaul Jaksel. Jan anda terkecoh dengan status kami tinggal di apt lalu kami punya banyak uang. Nggak samsek. Kami tinggal di apt bukan karena kaya raya dan punya gaji besar sebagai fresh graduate yang iya iya aja ditawarin gaji UMR. Tapi ada seorang malaikat yang kerja di HRD bernama Mba Etty yang minjemin unit apt 2 bedroomsnya dengan cuma-cuma pada kami. Katanya daripada bayar mahal ngekos di benhil dengan Ibu kos yang gualak dan banjir tiap Januari. Beliau minjemin aja gitu ke Eka temen saya dan Ebby yang ngajak kami berdua tinggal disana. Gratis. Cuma bayar maintenance sama listrik air. (I know we are the lucky biatch)

Balik ke Ebby. Kenapa kami kalo ngobrol nyambung? Ya gimana nggak nyambung, kalo di kantor yang lain ngomongin kerjaan kita mah ribut ngobrol liburan. Kalo disuruh ngerjain document marah-marah, giliran disuruh bikin plan department training ke luar kota langsung maju mimpin meeting. Booking pesawat, kereta atau hotel kami ahlinya. Kata bos kami, salah banget ni duo racun disuruh kerja di Bank, harusnya di tour and travel.

Anyway saya hanya survive 2 tahun di Bank itu, kalo Ebby berhasil survive 4 tahun disana. Waktu saya resign kami masih tinggal bareng dia dan Eka di apt Mba Etty. Bahkan buat mensupport keputusan temennya yang nekat ini, yang resign dan beralih profesi jadi penjual abon, Ebby dan Eka sering beliin beras sama telor biar temennya ini gak die di apartment karena kekurangan gizi.

Waktu saya memutuskan untuk resign dari Bank, otak saya kacaunya nggak karuan, nggak mau pulang kampung, nggak mau daftar kerjaan di institusi finansial lagi (padahal cuma ini experience yang saya punya), nggak mau kerja di Jakarta tapi nggak tau juga mau kemana. (Ini sebelum saya menemukan Bali). Pokoknya nggak tau apa-apa. Kalo kata orang-orang kena quarter life crisis.

Seperti sahabat baik hati lainnya yang paling mengerti kegalauan temennya yang lagi rewel tentang pilihan hidup. Ebby berinisiatif membawa saya ke puncak Krakatau di Selat Sunda sebagai hadiah ulang tahun saya. Di puncak kegalauan usia seperempat abad. Ceritanya saya tulis di postingan Only in the darkness you can see the stars (Cerita Sahabat dari Selat Sunda)

Ebby tahu, kadang hanya sebuah perjalanan yang bisa membantu saya tenang dan menetapkan pilihan dengan lebih bijaksana. Ebby tahu, perjalanan bersama sahabat adalah kado terbaik yang bisa diberikan siapapun kepada makhluk seperti saya.

Singkat cerita 3 tahun kemudian Ebby bertemu dengan jodohnya yang sekarang menjadi suaminya. Ia menikah tanggal 5 Desember lalu. Saya turut bahagia tentu saja sebagai sahabat baikknya.

***

Mundur satu bulan sebelum pernikahannya.

***

“Ki I’m coming to Bali” Tulisnya di pesan singkat WhatsApp pada suatu hari. Tanggal yang tertera di tiketnya adalah tanggal H+1 setelah hari pertunangannya. Seperti sahabat lain pada umumnya saya bertanya

“Hey are you OK?”

“I am. I want to meet you”

Walaupun menaruh curiga seperti orang-orang lain pada umumnya, karena dia memang anak yang mencurigakan. Tiba-tiba beli tiket ke Bali abis lamaran buat WFH selama beberapa minggu sebulan sebelum hari pernikahanya. Mencurigakan! Tapi seperti teman gila lainnya, saya support segala keputusannya tanpa perlu tahu apa alasannya.

Saya tetap saja happy banget disamperin ke Bali sama partner in crime. Karena persahabatan kami dalam 3 tahun ini berkisar tentang kemana saja saya lari atau bersembunyi, disitu Ebby akan pergi nyamperin. Begitupula sebaliknya, tiap patah hati dimanapun Ebby berada kesanalah tiket yang saya beli untuk menemuinya. She even had plan to go to Ausi before. Tapi keburu Corona. Anyway even tho terpisah benua atau pulau sekalipun, kami bergantung satu sama lain. Untuk opini terkait segala permasalahan hidup. Walaupun opini kami berdua kadang absurd buat dijalankan, but we both know, entah untuk situasi apapun yang membingungkan kami butuh opini absurd satu sama lain. Karena cuma Ebby yang nggak pernah takut temenan sama saya yang kadang gila. Ide segila apapun masuk akal di kepalanya. Begitu juga sebaliknya. Masalah sekecil apapun atau sebesar apapun pun nggak pernah buat dia merasa punya hak untuk men judge saya atau orang lain yang bermasalah dengan saya. All she would do to calm me down is just taking me far to give me space to think. Cause I would do the same.

No one knows me better than her.

Ketika Ebby datang ke Bali, saya sedang tinggal di Ubud. Di sebuah villa di dekat Tegalalang. Villa ditepi sawah yang disewakan murah oleh pemiliknya yang bernama Pak Wayan. Ceritanya saya lagi belajar hidup zen, tanpa banyak distraksi dari dunia luar. Semua social media saya matikan. Idupnya cuma ke pasar, masak, kerja di Dharma cafe, beli sate lilit, pulang rumah, lari sore, renang, baca, tidur. Kadang ikut kelas Yoga bareng mamanya temen yang cuma bayar 20 ribu satu sesi. Somehow i feel fulfilled. Tentu saja sambil video calls Ebby tiap hari.

Sejak Ebby datang tentu saja hidup saya makin enak di Ubud. Look, being alone in Ubud was awesome, but being in Ubud with Ebby was perfect. Kami langsung saja main-main nggak jelas tiap hari. Tentu tiap pagi-sore kami harus kerja online, sambil mengeksplor tempat-tempat di Ubud yang enak buat kerja. Kopi-kopi yang enak dan tempat spa yang enak dan lagi diskon gede-gedean karena lagi corona. Teteup opportunis

Pada suatu hari kami disuruh nganter Shella kawan saya ke Bandara karena dia mau ke Jakarta yang akhirnya nggak jadi. Jadilah Shella sewakan mobil buat kami buat ambil-ambil barang di Dalung juga. Saya langsung ngide buat road trip mumpung ada mobil. And I loveee road trip. Pengalaman road trip saya sebenernya cuma satu, nyetir dari Sydney ke Melbourne selama 9 jam. And it was awesome, I mean driving south sambil berhenti di tiap KFC di kota-kota kecil antara Sydney-Melbourne was sooo fun. Singing out loud in the car. Saya akui justru dari perjalanan itu lebih menyenangkan waktu di perjalanannya daripada di Melbournenya sendiri. 🙂

So I told Ebby “Bi let’s do road trip here in Bali”

Selama Ebby di Bali, kami meminjam mobil Pak Wayan pemilik Villa yang baik hati 2 kali. Pertama untuk antar Shella yang ujung-ujungnya kami pakai muter-muter Bali. Dari Kintamani, Kuta, sampai Padang Bai. Seperti road trip saya dari Sydney ke Melbourne pada tahun sebelumnya. It was not about the place we were visiting, tapi ambiencenya. Teman seperjalannnya, lagu-lagu yang kami putar, barisan pemandangan di luar jendela yang bikin speechless, dan angin pantai Timur Bali yang sepoi sepoi. Dan sesekali perasaan fulfilled ketika saya berada di belakang kendali, taking a full control of my life or where I want to go. It was amazing.

Satu hari sebelum kepulangan Ebby kami menyewa mobil Pak Wayan lagi. Innova putih baru yang bensinnya irit parah. Karena hari itu toh saya harus mengantar Ebby ke kosan Shella di Sanur biar dia lebih dekat ke Bandara besok buat pulang, kenapa nggak sekalian road trip lagi yakaannn. So here we go again another road trip for us.

“Bit everyone else giving a bridal shower in a fancy restaurant or hotel room, but I’m giving you a full road trip to North Bali for your bridal shower, how fun is that”

“Yeay let’s go”

And the road trip begin.

Tujuan roadtrip kali ini adalah Nung Nung Waterfalls yang ada di Belok/Sidang, Petang, Badung Regency, Bali. Air terjun ini direkomendasikan oleh Roman, tetangga saya di Ubud yang berasal dari Ukraine yang sudah tinggal di Bali selama 3 tahun. Yang sepertinya lebih hafal Bali daripada turis lokal. Kami mengikuti sarannya, karena ia bilang jaraknya hanya 1 jam dari Ubud, toh kami juga akan pergi ke Bedugul setelahnya.

Perjalanan ke Nung Nung Waterfalls seperti yang Roman bilang hanya memakan waktu satu jam. Pemandangan yang disuguhkan lebih ke desa-desa kecil Bali dengan banyak janur disana sini. Tapi jangan khawatir kalau berangkat pagi dan belum sarapan, ada banyak warung-warung pinggir jalan yang menyediakan jajanan. Kami sendiri akhirnya berhenti buat makan di warung JFC (Jaya Fried Chicken) yang femes di Bali karena John Legend joget joget sama bininya disini itulo.

Selama perjalanan entah kenapa saya pengin dengerin lagu Shakira yang “Try everything” soundracknya zootopia. Lalu saya ngide “Bit let’s play lagu-lagu Disney”

Begitulah berputar-putar selama perjalanan ke Nung-Nung Waterfalls lagu Moana, Frozen, hingga Mulan. Entah mengapa saya merasa selalu ada keterkaitan antara lagu-lagu Disney dengan hidup saya. Perempuan rebel yang sering menantang dirinya sendiri “How far she’ll go”

Waktu saya lagi haha hihi nyanyi lagu Frozen tiba-tiba ketika saya nengok ke bangku kemudi disitulah Ebby nyetir sambil nangis merebes mili.

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I’ve tried
Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well, now they know

Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go

As a good friend, i let her sing and i let her cry without too many questions.

Menikah adalah komitmen besar bagi semua orang, bagi perempuan perempuan berjiwa petualang sensasinya tentu berbeda. Saya yakin ketika itu Ebby mungkin merasa bahwa kehidupannya akan berubah 180 derajat karena ia memutuskan untuk settle down. Somehow ia memilih untuk melepaskan kehidupan lajangnya yang penuh tantangan dan kesenangan. I understand I do.

Somehow she feels like she’ll give up the version of her that likes adventure.

Sampai di Nung-Nung Waterfalls yang mengharuskan kami menuruni 500 tangga yang terjal. Saya biarkan ia sendiri di depan air terjun. Air mukanya basah, entah terkena percikan air terjun, entah karena air matanya.

“Bit let it all go” Bisik saya

Anyway kami melihat pelangi sebelum sampai di air terjun. Walaupun ketika balik ke atas dan menaiki 500 tangga itu rasanya bikin turun bero. Kami harus istirahat 4 kali karena kehabisan napas saking terjal dan jauhnya itu tangga, but the view was worth it. I would do it all again. Kami melanjutkan perjalanan ke Bedugul untuk ngopi di lantai dua alfamart yang menghadap ke danau Beratan hanya untuk menyeruput kopi seharga 5000 rupiah. Lalu menghabiskan hari di pantai Seminyak untuk melihat sunset. Lagi-lagi saya biarkan ia menjauh ke bibir pantai dan berdiskusi sendiri dengan dirinya.

Btw she’s a happily married now. She couldn’t stop smiling at her wedding.

Keraguan selalu ada di diri saya dan Ebby. Tentang pilihan hidup, tentang pasangan, tentang pendidikan. Karena itu kami selalu merasa cocok berdiskusi bersama satu sama lain. Sejak memutuskan untuk resign dari Bank, selama 3 tahun ini hidup saya berpindah-pindah dari satu tempat ke tempat lainnya. Melakukan satu hal absurd dan hal lainnya. For the sake of an adventure. But I do too have a lot of bad experiences along the way of course, but bad experiences still an experience. No?. I rebel. Meanwhile my bestfried Ebby selalu ada disana mendengarkan setiap cerita saya, di sangkarnya dengan hidupnya yang ia bilang lurus-lurus saja. Mengikuti setiap ekspektasi masyarakat yang disordorkan padanya. Sementara menurutnya, temannya yang ia katakan berani dalam hidup ini, ada di ujung dunia memilih hidup penuh tantangan untuk dirinya seorang diri. Ia pun ingin suatu hari menjadi berani seperti saya.

Ia pernah berkata bahwa suatu hari ia ingin pindah ke luar negeri dan menjajal hidup disana. But she thinks that she didn’t have enough courage to make it true. But she did. Bagi saya dia adalah seorang yang punya banyak courage untuk menjadi dirinya yang sekarang. Untuk stay dan menjadi orang yang Ibunya harapakan tanpa menyerah sedikitpun akan mimpinya. Atau kesenangannya. Diam-diam saya pun kagum padanya. Bekerja sambil menyelesaikan masternya, mengurus pernikahan, naik gunung, lari ribuan kilometer, sambil masih saja terus mengurusi temannya di ujung dunia dengan permasalahannya yang itu-itu saja. Lalu berani untuk jatuh cinta dan berkomitmen. Bit in my eyes you are the brave one. Braver than me indeed.

Orang-orang yang melihat hidup saya menyangka kalau saya adalah si pemberani. Yang berani melakukan ini itu sendirian. Pergi kesana kemari tanpa perduli apapun juga. Marah-marah ke orang karena merasa direndahkan. But look at a bit closer, i was actually the girl that always scare. Scare to settle down in one place, scare to face her fear in her hometown, or even scare to let people in and fall in love. Or even scare of a little bit of attachment. I’m scare with a lot of thing. So no bit, you’re not surrender with your life. You brave enough to choose everything in your life now and I’m so damn proud of you. And little did you know, I also want to be brave like you too. But not now, not today. But I’m heading that way.

“Bit I know sometimes we think we made wrong decision. Especially when we see other people’s life. I know sometimes we doubt our own choices. And I know being adventurer is also a choice we made a long time ago. A choice that made us cross each other’s path and stick here. But falling in love with someone who doesn’t like adventure as much as you do doesn’t mean that you have to stop being one. It just means that now you have new company to explore more things. Show him the world you always see. And you’re in love bi, that’s beautiful, that’s rare, that’s what matters. Was that all we’ve been talking about on top of that mountain, or in that fisherman fishing boats in Sunda Strait right?. When we’re wondering would it be nice to have someone you love in your journey. And now you found one. It’s not a farewell bit to the adventure, it’s just a beginning of new journey. And if you see me here, on my own journey, by myself like I was 3 years ago. Having adventure on my own, anywhere I want to go. You won’t feel jealous or even sorry for me. Cause I’m exactly where I needed to be. Cause I believe everyone and everything have their own phase in their life. And It’s mine, and I’m Oke. I got lonely sometimes of course, but you’re just one call away, and you make everything better. And I’m too, only one flight away. Cause you always be there and I’m here and we’ll continue to have adventure together. So it’s okey. You’re Ok. We’re Ok. OK. And you have made the right decision”

Wishing you a lifetime of happiness my dear friend

Ebby.

I’ll see you in another road trip with another disney playlist

But this time you and I will smiling instead of crying

I’m A Woman, Hear Me Roar.

I met my high school friend this afternoon. We were talking about a lot of things. He said, I have changed, in a good way. Now I speak when I disagree with something.

Last couple of months we were having a very serious conversation. About his habit that he claimed to be a joke. But for me and my other friend, his jokes are sometimes too offensive. He was joking about my skin color back then. I’m a brown skin girl, and I’m proud of it. I think it’s pretty. But most of the time, people with their beauty standards make a joke about it. About how I made my skin darker to get foreign guy’s attention. At least that was what he said. 

I guess I didn’t have to tell him that I have parents with brown skin, and I’m an outdoor person. I swim at the beach, I climb mountains, I jog and do bushwalking. So yes I have brown skin and it’s not because I tried to get foreign guy’s attention nor that I tried to attract anyone’s attention. But if I do, should I apologise to him or to anyone, or should I be ashamed? Or should it be anyone’s business?

Then I asked him. Do you really think that every brown skin girl In this country who happens to live overseas made their skin darker in order to attract guy’s attention?

Wait, answer this instead, do you really think that whatever female’s do with their body’s to attract male’s attention? 

It was offensive for me because it happened a lot of times. As if it was funny to label me that way. 

So I stood up for myself. I told him I didn’t like what he said, I told him It didn’t sound like a joke, it sounded like body shaming. And like any other woman who stood up for themselves, I was told that I was too sensitive. But I wasn’t. I was just sooo sick to be OK with these treatments. 

But he apologized eventually, although there was a long conversation about it. He shouldn’t have said that to me because since I moved overseas, I see things differently now, I’m more aware about bullying and stuff so I got more sensitive about it. But he would still be able to joke about that to his other friends, his guy’s friend, who jokes the same way. To lighten up the mood, he said. So instead of accepting that his behavior was wrong, he agreed not to do that to me anymore, but will continue doing that with his other friends. And our discussion expanded into bullying, body shaming, and trauma. 

I told him about my friend’s daughter who was only 4 who refused to eat. Because someone said, eating makes you fat. If you’re fat, you won’t become a princess. Do you know how hard it is for her mom and me to tell her about how wrong that idea was?  How many times we should sit her down, talk about the other kind of princess that exists in this world. Princess who helps a lot of people because she has energy to do so. How did she get her power? From the nutrition from foods she consumes. That’s the kind of princess that she should look up for. 

See body shaming, it’s not a joke. In the long run, it will become a trauma. So you should not do that, whether to people who are sensitive or not. 

After a long conversation on a rainy afternoon, he understood.

Then these memories flash back to me when I used to live in this small town. My family used to live in a decent housing complex that has these neighbours who live close to each other. I grew up as a nerd girl who was obsessed with Avril Lavigne and loved nothing more than burying myself with comic books and Harry Potter books. Me and my brother did. I was a tomboy, I liked climbing trees, playing video games with my brother’s friends, and riding my bicycles around the block. 

Our family is a decent family. With a decent household income. My mom was a housewife. Dad was a policeman. They never taught us to value other people based on how much money they have, or the job they’re doing. But they taught us to value people based on their attitude towards somebody else. 

My hometown is not too big. There are only a few of my favorite schools. As a nerd who loves to study, me and my brother always made it to the most prestigious schools in our town. Because we always got good grades in our exams, enough to apply to these favorite schools. In junior high I went to the first and only immersion class in my town. There were only 48 people from that town. In this class we used English as the main language to learn about every subject. Some people made it there because they passed the test and got good grades, some others because they came from a wealthy family. Or could be both. (And yes corruptions did exist too) 

And as you could guess, some of my friend’s parents were so freaking wealthy. And because it was a small town, wealthy people as well as wealthy people and kids were famous. Everybody knows who they are. They were either the owner of some big businesses in my town, or the owner of the biggest hospital, or government officials. Or you know people with powers. 

My brother was an introvert, but I was so good at making friends back then. I never choose friends because of their financial status. I didn’t care who their fathers were. I never feel ashamed to invite them to my house, to play in my tiny room that dad built from our small garage because I refused to sleep in a bunk bed with my brother in his room again. My friend never sees me less because I didn’t have a big room like they do, or we had no maid like they did, or that I couldn’t afford things that they had. I never compare myself to them, nor want to be like them. It was as simple as an innocent kid playing with their friends. 

I dated a guy who was my close friend in junior high school. The one who sat next to me in my class room because he read the same comic as I did. We were very close back then as I agreed to be his girlfriend for 3 days. I broke up with him because I didn’t even want to have a relationship when I was in junior high. Wasn’t I supposed to just read as many comics as I could and not to think about relationships. That was what I thought back then. I had a very simple happiness. 

But my ex happened to be the son of a man that has a lot of big business in my town. He used to come and pick me up with his car. I didn’t care about it as I saw him as just my friend who would lend me his comic books. 

Then I entered senior high school, again I got into the best school in my town. And again I had a lot of friends from different backgrounds. Some came from the same junior high school, some new friends from other favorite schools. In these new schools there were more people from a very wealthy family, and their home is no longer twice bigger than my home, it was like the whole complex of my home. Was I jealous and felt like I didn’t belong because my parents were not wealthy? Not at all.

And because I didn’t have my own car and they do. They like to come pick me up to go to class when it is raining. And because my mom was a very good baker, they like to come and hang out in my home eating her cake. 

Then I dated this guy, who became my very good friend now. I didn’t even know who his dad was until I heard mom tell me the neighbours were talking about me and him. 

The neighbour that has two daughters that always says stuff about me. The neighbour that has daughters who never made it into favorite schools in our town nor made a lot of friends. So her mom talked about me. Quite often and quite a lot. 

I was told that people called me a material girl because they were different fancy cars everyday to come pick me up. When they knew that my friends were the son of the most powerful man in our town or even that I dated one, they were very sure that I was a gold digger at a very young age. Maybe they thought that I was friends with them or dated them because they bought me some stuff. They said I was a biatch for having too many boys on my porch every Saturday night. Mom told me that. But she didn’t really care about what people called me, as she knew me better than they are, and she knew my friends, all of them. Most of the time Mom got these attack from the neighbours, but as she walking by she just said “They only do that because they’re jealous of you”

I was then getting into University. This time I got into University of Indonesia, my dream University. My major was Dutch Literature, which was assumed to be the easiest major to get into University Indonesia. My neighbour, as it were expected from people like them said this “You know the stupidest student in my daughter’s classroom could get into that University if it was just for Literature”. Because her daughters couldn’t make it into my Univ. They got into one of the best Univ in Surakarta with an accounting major. And I didn’t know why her mom still needs to bring me down just to prove her daughter was better than me. 

Oke now, I was called a material girl cause my friends were wealthy, and I was called a bitch because my ex boyfriend’s father was the most powerful man in my town, and they called me the stupidest girl because I got into the best University but won’t apply for the prestigious major like people expected. 

WHAT ELSE? What else did I do wrong as a girl that hurt your pride?

I didn’t say anything as they labelled me with every hurtful thing they called me. I didn’t because I didn’t think it was important. I wasn’t scared, I just thought that I didn’t have energy for that. 

But as I silenced the labels people in my small town gave me kept getting worse. They said hurtful things about me that weren’t even true. Just because I wasn’t like any girls in my housing complex, and I knew I was a different girl that wanted different things. I was told that I pushed myself too much to go abroad, burdened my family by spending their money that they didn’t even have. Now that I choose to be single people assumed it was because no man would fall for me cause I acted like I was too strong or independent. Or because now I earned more than them. That I should be scared that no man would want me in the future because I said I have this dream to go abroad to get my master degree.

And recently a man said crappy things about me because I rejected him. Because I knew he was an asshole who just wanted to screw people, a misogynist that when a woman doesn’t reply to his message he could just go ahead calling her a bitch and saying mean things. Wow. Really it made me laugh so hard. Good luck getting a woman with that attitude, your majesty. 

(P.S: Girls stay away from men that don’t know how to treat you right, or don’t know to handle your power, including your power to say no)

Isn’t it funny that I was called a bitch for falling in love with my best friend who happened to have a powerful dad, and after a while they are still calling me a bitch for being single and earning all those powers for myself?

If I were a man, would you still label me with all these crazy things you said about me? Or questioning me how much of this did I deserve?

NOPE OKE. I refused to be labelled or accepting these craps again. Or be silenced again. 

And note this, your bitterness and mean words won’t make me stop being me and apologise for being who I am

No woman should apologize for doing and getting more than what society expected them to be. No woman should feel like they should be less than they’re capable of. No woman should be dictated who they should be or who they should be friends with. 

Would someday people in my small town or everywhere in this world give women with power nicer labels. Like it would be nice if my neighbour back then just called me an ambitious little girl who has a lot of friends. A determined girl who dared to make all of her dreams come true. A brave girl who dared to choose what’s best for her. An independent girl who won’t settle for less than what she deserved. 

Would it be nice if I didn’t always need to explain that I deserved equal and fair treatments? Or to explain that I worked really hard for all the things I have now, and I still do. That I never held my hand out and asked for something free. 

If people around you feel threatened by the way you shine or question whether you deserved all of the things you got from your own sweat and blood, leave them alone. With their bitterness. Don’t let them step on your gown, at least not anymore.  

If writing this and saying what I feel makes people mad because I’m a woman, I should be silent and just accept this crap. You can go ahead and call me sensitive. Because I refused to be silent anymore. 

If you choose to be upset than to be proud when girls like me from decent families accomplish something. Then I pity you, and your low self esteem. Because you could choose to rise with us and shine. Either than busy pulling us down from down below. 

Because me and other women will no longer accept your crappy treatments and labels. And we will stop lowering yourself down just to make you feel better about yourself. 

After all It’s not our job to make you feel worthy, or feel like a man.

Because I’m a Woman. And I won’t be silent, not anymore. And from now on, you should hear me roar.

Handling Pain

People react in different ways when they’re dealing with pain and grief. Pain from disappointment, losing someone, betrayal, heartbreak, or even simple goodbyes. Pain makes you upset and suffer. But then they said suffering is just part of this weird little game called life. As it is also a concept in Indian religions about the nature of life that innately includes the “unpleasant”, “suffering”, “pain”, “sorrow”, “distress”, “grief” or “misery.” 

So like it or not. The fact is that pain is inevitable.  

But even though you know that it’s a part of life and try with your best attitude to fully understand it. When the sudden unbearable amount of pain strikes you like a thunderbolt. You fall, you collapse, you crumble into the ground beneath you. You just cannot help but feel numb and helpless. You have to deal with this brutal, cruel, merciless, ruthless feeling called pain. 

But they said when it happens and you’re down on the black hole, you have to force yourself to climb up from that deep scary dark hole until you make it to the surface. Unless you want to stay there forever and give up.

I believe that every great pain in this world also comes from the same source of your happiness. It usually comes from the closest people that give you a big amount of happiness but most often they come side to side with the suffering. This pain that comes from people that matter to you will be so much worse than regular pain. It comes as a disappointment or betrayal. Most of the time it will make you feel small, worthless, insignificant and pathetic. You feel rage all over your body. The kind of pain that puts you in a very dark place and makes you feel nothing but empty. That dark, sinking, relentless pain. 

Some people who cause you pain (if they regret their action) will eventually ask for an apology and expect you to just forgive them. But when the wound is too deep and you already fell into that dark place sometimes you come to the point where no apology in the world matters. No word sorry can heal your wounds or undo the hurt that it has caused. Or nothing they say or do that would ease the pain. 

Then you wonder. 

Is being sorry enough?

Can an apology actually heal the wounds?

Will you guarantee that this will never happen again? 

Should I trust you again? Or will I be insecure for the rest of my life?

I notice something about myself these days. The way I chose to deal with pain. I tend to escape and hide in a place where I hopefully can find a little peace for myself when the pain is just too much to bear. Or just find a perfect place to cry. I’m not proud of it, the way I leave people who hurt me without a single word. But it’s just the only way I know that will protect me and people around me from my words that usually shoot to kill when I’m mad. To soothe my own self. So I disappeared. I’m not that passive aggressive person who acts like nothing happens but talking shit behind their back. When I’m mad, I’m mad and you’ll know. Because I won’t take any more second to be around you. Because I don’t play games. And I’m so bad at faking the way I’m feeling. 

This began when I was a kid when Mom and Dad were starting to scream at each other outside my room. I would run away from home and come back when they had stopped fighting and the pain in my chest would no longer sting at some point. Now that I’m older every time the pain was unbearable I would run away. Hiding like a little girl. Because I know myself. When I hurt I won’t have the capacity to deal with people. And it’s the healthiest way for me that I know to deal with my pain. 

Until I have a clear mind to think. To observe the root of the problem then decide to fight or to completely let go. 

The way I choose to handle my pain is obviously shaped by the trauma that I got from my childhood. Some people handle it differently of course, my aunt would pass out on the floor when things get hard, my cousin would punch everything around him, my other cousin would cry, my friend sometimes would shout. I ran. 

Childhood trauma will not only influence the way we handle pain, it also forms the way we handle relationships and people around us. People who have unhealthy relationships in their childhood or getting abused physically or emotionally usually suffer the most. It shaped the way they treat people around them. Some people would learn from their past trauma and avoid doing the same thing to other people because they know how painful it is to be treated that way. Some others would unconsciously do the exact same thing that made them suffer before to other people. And give those pain and abusive behavior to people around them. Devalue every relationship they have and disregard people’s feelings. Then cause another pain and another trauma to other people. 

When the closest human being to you is supposed to protect you, hurt you, ignore your feelings, reject your existence. We got traumatised. To ease the pain some people rather distract themselves with superficial things that would make them forget about it for a minute. But let me ask you. Would it be enough for you? Even though you have done all the distractions in life. Will it give you peace? Or will your pains and problems come haunting you back in one second?

So like it or not we have to find a way someday, somehow to deal with the pain they have caused. We can choose to blame them for the rest of our life for our suffering or be responsible for our own action to deal with it. Of course it’s their fault to make you suffer, but it’s your fault to keep on suffering if you keep ignoring the problem and the pain and not doing anything about it. And in the long run it’s also your fault if you punish people around you now for what people from your past did to you. This uses the trauma to give other people the same exact trauma to make you feel a little bit better about yourself. It has to stop. 

Look I know you hurt, and I’m not trying to make your pain look small and simple. It’s not. But look around you. People also suffer and try their best to heal their wounds so they won’t make the same wound to other people. So you might as well try.

Because no matter how big the wounds people from your past gave you, it still doesn’t give you the right to just go ahead to hurt people.

Observe the kind of value we have that is influenced by the trauma. Is it good or bad? Is it doing more good to yourself and people or harm? If it shaped you to all the wrong things in life like devaluing yourself, or people around you and disregarding their feelings. Then you know something is wrong. Most likely in some severe cases people with this trauma will feel like they are entitled to treat other people the same way they got treated, comfortably undervalue people, ignoring people’s feelings, and think that it’s Ok to do that. But it’s not. 

Then the people who got hurt by you will do the same to other people. And it’s going to be a demon chain unless someone is brave enough to break them. To stop denying their trauma and heal themselves. The world shouldn’t be this messed up place (not that it already is) where everyone feels entitled to hurt other people just because they got hurt before.

Extreme example. Like in the Joker movie. People treat him like shit all the time then he feels entitled to kill those people. His accumulation of disappointments and rages had made him feel like he had all the rights to do bad things to other people. To kill. Their feelings or existence didn’t really matter to him anymore. Because suffering for a long time without getting proper help has made his feelings die.

I got past trauma, it’s true. I need to heal myself from it. It’s true. 

I’m not saying that healing the past trauma is easy. It’s a long exhausting journey that people should take. That I too should take. Because of my experience for years to avoid it. Had led me into all the wrong things in life. Shaped all the bad values in life that made me comfortable in hurting other people along the way. Because I think it’s ok to do so. Little did I know every time I hurt them, it hurts me just the same.

But now that I know how it feels to be with other people. I refuse to use this trauma to be my shield and sometimes gun for people around me. I choose to deal with my past and my problems. And I too will stop accepting crap from people who feel entitled to do whatever they want to me because they got hurt in the past. Cause I decided to grow from my own pain, climb this dark empty hole. If you want to go to the surface, you can take my hand, but if all you want to do is make this dark scary hole as your home and pull me back to the ground. I’ll leave you alone and wish you good luck. 

So I decided to take a few steps back to get a clear picture. To have a clean start. I stop letting myself be too attached to my past like a prisoner. 

So what do we do when we cross paths with people that also have a past trauma then unconsciously hurting us? They actually think that it’s ok to do that because they think they have the right plus they know exactly that we got used to the pain. 

You have to realise that you have enough on your plate. And it’s not your job to fix them. Because most of the time by trying to fix people you cause more pain and damage to yourself

So you let it go. If it’s hard, then just learn to just let it be. 

At the end of the day the fact that you still have the courage to climb that hole no matter how many people are trying to pull you back to the ground is enough reason to celebrate. 

And it’s weird to say this, but you also need to say thank you to those who give you pain and keep pulling your feet so you fall into the hole. Because they make your feet stronger to walk away from people like them. And that wouldn’t happen if they hadn’t been such a pain in your ass, no?